my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
