I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
