Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
