just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
