Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
