Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
