In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
