Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
