My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
