If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
