I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
