every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
