We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
