im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He? As in you personified your dick?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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