Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
