you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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