I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
