K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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