Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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