We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
