I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
