So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
