i may or may not be watching the land before time
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
