and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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