I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
