Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
