Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize