dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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