I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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