I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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