How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize