Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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