Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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