did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
