i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
