Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
