do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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