Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
