I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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