i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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