We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
