In the future we'll all be gay
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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