My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
