No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
