I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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