I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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