Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
