"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
