what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's shark week go big or go home
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize