Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
please come you make the beer taste better
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
