the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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