i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
