so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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