was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
