It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
false alarm, still single
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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