I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
