If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
