Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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