Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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