You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
