What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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