Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
