no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
